Things have been crazy for me. I graduated from university and jumped right into law school. I quit the job I had for 4.5 years and moved on to looking at temp positions due to the lowered stress levels so that I can focus on school.
School is hard. Nothing really prepares you for law school. You basically have to sink or swim and pray you get to swim. I understand why the schools do this, but I honestly wish there was more prep before going in. They warn you that sacrifices will be needed, but what they don't tell you is just hard some of those sacrifices can be.
The shop is still up and running and it's doing well.
Winter break is a great thing even if it's only two weeks long and I've gotten a cold due to the crazy California weather.
So I have a confession to make. It's something that has been bothering me for a while now. Actually, my whole life. Consider it an OCD if you will. And it's one I wish people wouldn't take so lightly. This also counts as a phobia.
I have a fear/phobia/ocd about running out of money. When I consider my bills and the money I have in hand, if it doesn't add up to something in my pocket as emergency money, I panic. I don't just mean a few seconds of "Well, crap! Now what do I do?" I mean HOURS to DAYS of my mind spiraling down into the depths of my own personal hell of what could happen if I were to spend this money in my hand. AND IT NEVER EVER GOES AWAY.
I wake up freaked about the money I have and how to make it last and I fall asleep wondering how long I can make the money stretch. The worst part is, I am paid weekly and yet I can bring myself to spend every dime I have. I count my money, look at what I need to spend and promptly curl into a ball and cry about how close I am to being broke.
I've seen therapists and they have never been able to help me...EVER. Each tries a different tactic, from budget help to making me spend money thinking it will alleviate the fear. It only makes it worse.
People don't understand what this does to the mind. I can never relax about money, and I don't mean greed. I am not a greedy person, I don't want more money then I need to live comfortably and make sure all my bills are paid while still being able to have fun and go out occasionally. I mean the fear, the fear that spending money will mean I won't have it in the event of an emergency. I FEAR not being able to know I can cover an emergency like my car breaking down, or a get hurt, or I need something from the store for some reason.
People try to help, but saying that things will be ok, not to stress, that I'll get paid again, that money isn't everything, that I shouldn't worry about emergencies, this doesn't help. It only makes it worse. It reminds me I'm not normal, that people don't understand what I'm going through. People say they are there for me, that I won't go through things alone, but I am. No one can be there for me when they don't know what living in this personal hell is like. No one CAN EVER understand or be there for me unless they can actually BE in my head.
Earning more money doesn't help at all, it only makes it worse, because then I have to figure out how much needs to be saved and how much I can spend. Having someone else handle my finances only makes the melt downs more frequent as I suddenly have no idea what the hell is going on with my own money. Letting someone take care of me makes it worse because then I am no better then a leech on someone else's life.
NOTHING CAN EVER MAKE THIS BETTER! I WISH PEOPLE COULD UNDERSTAND THAT AND STOP TRYING TO SOLVE THE ISSUE!
I am so tired of always going with out, of always being in fear, of always feeling like I am being the responsible one, of always standing back while everyone else goes out and has fun. I am tired of being trapped alone in this hell that is my head. I am tired of everyone not getting it. I am tired of everyone acting like it's not a big deal. I am tired of being invisible. I am just tired of it all.
I have graduated from Uni and I am now part of the real working world but finding a job is not as easy as it looks. So, in an attempt to earn more money until I can find a real job I have opened a kitsy lane shop
My muse is back and not just for the fan fics I've started. She has decided I must start a new fan fic in a totally different genre. I'm not going to give anything away this time. This one will be close to the belt but I have a title and a story in mind. I've written a few lines and will be finishing another chapter in Ancient Lies. I will also be poking a bit at Of Wings. I have another story I am going to be starting as well but that one isn't as demanding.
So it appears I have creative ADD in the last couple weeks of my senior semester. I've started 4 knitting projects while studying. I've also begun writing again, but it's slow going. My muse is being moody due to all the formal papers that I have to write. It has been difficult to get my little muse going, despite all the inspiration and all the stories in my head. I am nearly done with school and will perhaps then, get to allow the plot bunnies to run free.
My knitting is spastic and I can't seem to stay on one project for more then a few hours before I burn out.
It's been a long time since I've updated. I've created new patterns, new characters, and had massive writers block. I've gotten engaged, and am getting ready to graduate with my BA in CJ legal studies. I've taken my LSATs, gotten my score back and I've applied to law school. I'm starting the applying for full-time jobs and I'm trying to get on my feet so I can have a place of my own and actually get to live alone for a while before marriage. I NEED to live alone for a while and just BE. I'm working on my etsy shop but it's slow going. I'm going to spend some time this summer to design a few new things. For now it's what ever is up. I have to get through school first.